9 Things Every Broke Person Does

In a few years, we’re all gonna live in huge mansions with nice cars and a large selection of designer sunglasses. IT’S GONNA HAPPEN I KNOW IT. How do I know? I asked The Universe for it, and from what I understand that’s all you have to do to get The Universe to give it to you (science). Until then, though, we’re stuck living the lives of paupers. I just have this MacBook, Nike shoes, and a Honda. I’m so poooooor.*Takes sip of $5 coffee* Let’s commiserate together! Here are some funny things all broke people do:

You suggest cheap dates

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Hey, love doesn’t wait for you to have a 401K. You still have needs! You’re not going to put romance on hold just because your account is in the negative. Time to get creative (or just ask them to come over).

You avoid logging in to your online bank

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You’re blissfully riding on a river called DeNile. (Get it? Get it?!) Your philosophy is that as long as you don’t look at how much you’re spending, you don’t have to think about it. It’s just magical digital money floating in the ether anyways, right? It’s not real — none of it is real! Hahahaha. *sobs uncontrollably*

You come up with excuses for why you can’t go out

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You can either get real with everyone and let them know you’re poor as dirt, or you can make something up. "Uh... my grandma needs me to weed her garden that night." "I have a birthday party then... no, you don’t know them." "Oh sorry, I’m headlining at the Apollo that night sorry can’t come byeeeee."

You suck up to your parents

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You’re the worst to your parents... except when you’re planning to ask them for money. Then you act like golden child sent from the heavens to bless the world with your goodness. *crosses fingers* Hope they don’t catch on!

You can only afford the necessities

WHERE DID THE MONEY GO? SERIOUSLY WHERE DID IT GO? It was there, in your account, and now it’s gone. You didn’t even do anything fun with it! WHYYYYYYYY.

You have to get creative with your house decor

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Just because you’re broke doesn’t mean you want your place to look like it! Hello IKEA.

You put off buying essentials

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You hardly have any money, and you have to spend it on new windshield wipers? NOPE. You’re gonna hold off on those purchases until you absolutely have to (so... until it’s raining and you can’t see through the windshield at all and almost die).

You’ll go anywhere that advertises free food

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You’ll end up at the strangest meetings just because you know they have pizza.

You get nervous every time you swipe your debit card

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You pull that card out of your wallet. You start to sweat. You wince as you swipe. The seconds that it’s processing feel like hours. It says "approved" and you breathe a sigh of relief. THIS IS YOUR EXISTENCE.

 

What do you do when you’re feeling extra broke? Let me know on Twitter!